Such was the ignoble end of Matt Scrotum, author of Downshafted, the supposedly humorous tale of downshifting on the remote Scottish isle of Peedie Dub.

Whenever you met Ruth her hair was never in the same place twice. This is very disconcerting, trust me, and tends to focus you on the hair, wondering what it’s going to do next.

I was bitterly disappointed that he wasn’t named and shamed, after me finding them a sweet photo of him dressed as Mickey Mouse too.

If you live on Orkney get up really early and buy a copy before Ian has time to send Alistair Carmichael round all the shops to snap them up.

Now I feel as if my bits have been rubbed with a cheese grater. I’m raw, sore and itchy. Oh, the wonders of modern medicine.

SHOCK HORROR – STUPIDITY ON THE NET! HATER FAILS TO COVER TRACKS! ANONYMOUS POSTER REVEALED!

now I find it very hard indeed not to believe that everybody on the blasted island of Orkney is a moron and a retard, and that if it sank into the sea tomorrow not only would I not miss it, I’d dance on its watery grave.

Andy looks at me and he’s very serious. My fine female brain, highly-tuned to pick up unhappy male signals, immediately spots Andy is not happy.

POD publishing was a bad invention, and these supposed professionals on this supposed Small Press forum prove it. They are living proof of exactly why readers do not trust self-published books, or self-published authors. And the worst of it is, I don’t blame them.

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