If I was Audrey Tautou I’d get my face on your breasts, oh yes. I will not forget this slight. However if you let me see the pixie tattoo I might forgive you.

Okay, I confess, your latest insanity puts you ahead of the deserving cats. None of them have had DANNY tatooed on their arses (please tell me I will not be looking at pictures of your arse; that would just be morally wrong.) If I swing back in favour of the cats getting the copyrights will you get a piercing to seduce me back to your dark side? An INTIMATE piercing? How far can I push you into self-mutilation by dangling my copyrights in front of you? I feel like Miss Havisham right now. It’s great.

Yes, you did better with Kitchen. I enjoyed it. Although I could have lived without the caricature Scots. I wasn’t sure whether the restaurant was meant to be one that helped rehabilitate convicts or they thought the English would be happy to believe that Glaswegians are so criminal all their restaurnats are run by convicts and serial killers. I also hated the male lead who only had two expressions 1. blank confusion. 2. frowning. I think he only did the frowning when he was trying to make his blank indifference more intense. It wasn’t passion it was effort. I think I only enjoyed it because of the mad chef who was a secret faggot and the bad bitch and her even worse husband. They were good. They didn’t really use Izzard, he was just the drunk in the cupboard.

Yeah, I have several series of the OC, but I haven’t seen them in ages. I would gladly have seen Marissa – and Ryan VERY often – down the bottom of the ocean. Pouts anonymous. My faves were always Julie & hubby (the rich one; I forget his bloody name) and Seth. I wasn’t such a fan of the Cohen seniors; mum was downright annoying.

I rewatched Sparkhouse last night and found it disappointing. I remembered really enjoying it (that’s why I bought it), but Andrew annoyed the hell out of me this time. He’s playing Cathy, of course, but the real Cathy is a lot more contrary and spirited. The girl, Carol, is very good though. Although this time I wanted her to get together with Armitage, and the hell with chickenshit little Andrew. Both sets of parents are great though, and the setting is fab, much more Wuthering Heights than Wuthering Heights usually is. But I kept thinking she’s turning down Armitage for Ewan McFadden? Come on, get real. It was Robin Hood all over again; we’re expected to believe a little runt could whip Armitage’s ass. I have to say in fairness though that they did a brillaint job of making R.A. look like shit. Bad wig, rouged farmer’s cheeks, the worst anorak in history. But there was one scene at the top of the stairs in Hebden Bridge where Armitage was giving her the up-and-under (shares that one with Danny) and those mascared eyes of his were like blue needles. Man’s a beauty, and in that moment there was no disguising it. I think the intensity was shining through too. Director should have stamped on that. But it was a triumph of acting that Armitage could be pitted against little runty shoulders McFadden and not dwarf him.

I’ve sent all your discs back. I’ll get the new stuff up to you. Can you let me have WW 7, and do you have True Blood 2 yet? I’d like that, she says, wondering if she is really ready for helmet-hair Eric. Got anything else I might like?

I hadn’t sent Phillip before you replied, I have saved myself the shame and embarrassment, to be honest I didn‘t think you would dislike something without giving it ago, but it was my attempt at pushy, I‘m not cut out for it clearly. God damn I am awful at guessing what people will like. Have I faired any better with Kitchen?

I have looked all the films up and would like to see all of them please, except Asylum (I’ve got that one). I haven’t watched the foreign ones yet so if you want to wait till I send them up, I’ll be doing that next wee. I’ve been watching Eastwick online, It’s quite good, a bit light and frothy, more like Charmed than the film (I like the film) but a scary child has just come into it so it might get better, it’s watch able as it is though. And there’s a Johnny Depp alike in it (who would guess that was coming, a program suddenly becomes watch able because a handsome man appears). I’m also watching The OC from the beginning and once again finding it hard to look at Marissa’s weasel face. Roll on the days of Taylor Townsend when Ryan stops brooding badly with floppy hair. I would watch it for Julie Cooper Nichol and Sandy Eyebrows Cohen alone though. (I think you’ve said that you’ve seen The OC before otherwise that’s going to make no sense.

P.S. I have had a tattoo of the poison pixie logo. I’ve wanted one for years and could never decide on something that I thought I would always like, so I wanted something from DANNY. I’m just telling you in case you catch a glimpse of it in a photo on facebook or something and think I’m a stalker. I’ve also had your’s and Max’s faces tattoo on my breasts. (That ones a joke, I swear).

Yes, I lost everything. I mean EVERYTHING. A completely empty computer, or more accurately, partitioned and partly overwritten. I think some of the files are in there, but getting them back would be a minimum of £100 with no guarantees. I’d already spent £160 on my old VAIO getting malware off it, plus it has a damaged plug and the floppy disk isn’t working, so I decided to scrap it and try and get the files from elsehwere. I had fairly up-to-date versions of DANNY in a digital vault, but I lost all my blogs that I’ve done since Blogspirit days, plus all the other writing I’ve done by way of comments and so forth. Plus I’ve lost all the comments people have made to and about me. I’ve also lost 4 weeks work on DANNY 3/1. Such is life.

I am now the proud owner of a nice new Sony VAIO with a lovely sparkly white keyboard (it’s the only reason I bought it). Unfortunately it took £500 out the advertising budget for the new DANNYs. God really doesn’t like that book. As for you versus the deserving cats, bear in mind the cats are not likely to run off with Mr Potato-head. Oh no, I haven’t forgotten him, or your dream betrayal. Before I handed you my copyrights I’d want a pre-nup that stated you will never ever marry, hitch-up with, or otherwise hand your life over to any Tony-Paul like creatures who would fuck you into selling up the copyrights to Penguin so that he could have a Ferrari and a Time-share in Malibu. Mind you, if you did, I’d come back and haunt your sorry ass so hard you’d gladly shove Tony-Paul and his Ferrari off a cliff.

I think they do class The Ordeal as a horror movie, but it isn’t really. You know what marketers are like; they have to classify everything. The film is bleak, gruelling and an ordeal (no surprises there), but it’s a psychological thriller of sorts, albeit an almost unrecognisable one. It’s a true original. Like a lot of originals you might not use the words “I liked it” about it, but it is memorable for its atmosphere, which is well-nigh intolerable. By the by, I succumbed (told you I would; I’m a sucker for the word “controversial”) and watched Antichrist. I have to say it’s the best Lars Von Trier I’ve seen and, oddly, I didn’t find it as misogynistic as his other films. Mostly because the woman in it actually bit back – praise the lord. Her husband was the most irritating dick I’ve ever seen in a movie (okay, one of them). But I have a horrible feeling now that some time has passed that Lars didn’t intend that. I think he genuinely thought the Dafoe character was trying to be helpful. God preserve women from men trying to ‘save’ them. I reckon our Lars is still a misogynist, he just doesn’t know it, bless him. One thing you’ve got to say for the little fucker, like Larry Clark, he always makes unusual movies.

So, here is the promised list of obsessive relationship movies. Check them out and let me know if you’ve seen any of them and I’ll send you up those you okay. I’ve only included one foreign language, since you already have 2 foreign films. I’ve given you a mix of gender/relationship type/periods:

Chuck & Buck
Harry and Max
Let The Devil Wear Black
Asylum
Angels and Insects
Me Without You
Family Friend (L’amica di Famiglia)

The female patient in Huff is called Mellody (Izzy is the mother)M what else have I seen that actress in, her face looked familiar, it was doing my head in.

I cant believe you’ve lost all your files, you’ve had as bad luck with computers this year as i did last year. If the harddisc is ok you can usually get all you work back, someone at the computer shop put all my files onto a disc and i couldn’t even get the laptop to turn on.

And fuck me have a shot myself in the foot, if i’d have know a DANNY inheritance hung in the balance, i never would have admited to my dark liking of the dark nighting. No one would get their grubby little hands on DANNY, only the worthy and thats would be a party of one for me, ha. Also you must remember cats have claws thay could harm the books, i would be much better, i only have claws when im cornered.

I’ve got the films thanks, is the ordeal a horror film? I will watch it but i want to prepair myself beforehand.

I really want to send you phillip morris, i know u said you wont like it and if you’ve seen it and hate it send it back. But if not put it on for 15 minutes. Im taking advantage of you not having a computer so you can’t respond fast enough before i get it in the post. It was really not what i excpected i think it was daring for a hollywood film and i want to know if i think that because it is or if it was because i’d just been to see A Single Man with Colin Firth. That really pissed me off because everyone was aplauding Colin Firth for being so brave to play a gay man, and he did nothing. He kissed a boy on the cheek. I was so pissed off that when i saw Phillip Morris i couldn’t understand why that didn’t get more shouts of bravery, when they went a lot further. Obviously homosexuality isn’t not treated in as true a way as it would be in an independent film or foreign film but i do think it might surprise you. And i don’t think it’s homophobic, but then i didnKt pick up that Lars Von Trier was mysogonist, im not the best at spotting these things. Dense is probably the word for it. If you’ve already seen it I’m going to look like a twat right about now, but if not please have a little ten minute watch of it. Just think it can’t be as bad a Robin Hood.

I really need to spell check this as i know it looks like a child has sent it but i can’t on my phone, so it goes out into the world as is I’m affraid.

P.S. Has there been any progress on the computer front. Did you have back ups of DANNY.

Unfortunately I don’t have He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. Nor Anna M. But I did send you Lemming and The Ordeal today, and yes, Jill is right, Charlotte is in it, as Laurent’s young wife, as I recall (long time since I watched it).

No more Huff either, I’m afraid. They did make a second series, but it never made it to DVD. Not even in the States. My favourites in Huff were his vicious old mother and his mad patient (is that Izzy?) stalking him. Like Lemming I haven’t seen it in ages.

I’m going to pick out four to six films that I think you might like, and that I think you might not have seen. I’ll put the titles in here and you can check them and make sure you haven’t seen them then let me know they’ve cleared Jodie Defcon 3 and I’ll send them up. Have you still got Weeds 3, by the way, because it didn’t arrive with the West Wing. Let me know if I should be worried…

We’ve finished The West Wing already; we just shot through it. I think mostly because of the epic computer disaster. I have a lot of time on my hands and have been wasting it watching iffy movies and weird art shit that I seem to have a craving for, for no reason I can understand. I actually willingly took an Ingmar Bergman (I get Ingrid and Ingmar mixed up regularly, much to my embarrassment) movie out. It was supposed to have incest in it, but it happens so obliquely it’s like what-you-call-her’s rape in the Hardy novel. Christ, I can’t remember the name of the fucking thing; all I’m getting is Jude the Obscure an Bathsheba. Anyhow, I knew the ‘incest’ was there cause the box blurb told me, and I STILL missed it. According to Bergman it was supposed to be about how God is love and love is god (the movie, not the incest). All it seemed to be about to me was a poor woman being driven bonkers by the dickhead males in her life. I’d be seeing Jesus too if I’d been her.

Oh, confessing to liking Nolan movies. Low. Very low. You know, only the other day I was lying in the bath, wondering who the hell I was going to bequeath my copyrights to, since I have no relatives who’d want them – unless I get famous after death, but not too long after, and they become valuable – and I thought, Jodie. Jodie would take care of the books and not let any of the cunts who wouldn’t publish/sell them get a penny. But not now, my girl. You “even liked The Dark Knight”? Oh, you just queered your pitch right there. And if I’d been in any doubt, hovering on trusting you with my legacy, you nailed it with going to see Phillip Morris thee times. THREE TIMES? What is wrong with you, woman? Annoying fake fag movie with more grinding crude stereotypes than a Farrelly movie. No. no. NO. The books go to a cat’s home. If I ever get the books back, that is. I might be bequeathing them squat.

Okay, I’ll post a list on here as soon as I sort some out for you and you can okay it.

PS. You got that that was a no to I Love You Phillip Morris, right?

I’ve seen lots of bits of Glee, a few full episodes, I’ve really enjoyed what I’ve seen. I was going to buy it at some point, I think I’ll really like it. I love the gym teacher, she’s fantastic, Have you seen it when they do Vogue and the song with Olivia Newton John, it’s funny.

I think our Jill might have seen Lemming, does it have Charlotte Gainsbourg in it as well? She said I should watch it. He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not is one of those films I’ve nearly bought loads of times but kept forgetting, I usually really like those when I get round to watching them. Do you have that? I would like some films this time, relationship ones and the like, obviously anything with my beautiful Audrey in. Also is there more Huff? I’d only watched the first two episodes when I posted last, I have now watched them all and I love it. I love Russell, Izzy and Ted. I think I didn’t like it at first because I don’t like Huff or his wife, but when the other characters started coming into it more I really love it. I always love Oliver Platt and Blythe Danner but they are especially good in this. Was there only one series?

I think it’s becoming some kind of theme that I don’t like the main characters in TV shows. I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t like the main character in Weeds, Huff, Dawson’s Creek, True Blood (I don’t like Bill anymore but I like Sookie more than I did), Seinfeld, Ally MacBeal (I could punch that one and think I’d done nothing) and I started watching Grey’s Anatomy on line the other day but turned it off because I couldn’t stand Grey. Why do American TV shows always pick a cock for the front runner. Maybe it’s just that I like the outsiders. Do you think American TV shows put someone moral in the centre who everyone is meant to route for, and then all the interesting ones to surround them?

I saw Inception, I liked it but didn’t love it. It was definitely slick but like Memento and The Prestige it gets lost in it’s own plot theory, but I still enjoy Christopher Nolan’s films (The Prestige is my favourite), even if they are a bit up their own arse. I even liked The Dark Knight, minus the hilarious voices. The best things in it are Joseph Gordon Levitt and once again Marian Cotillard, she’s in my Audrey Tautou league for mesmerising beauty but Cotillard is a better actress. I also saw Gainsbourg, about Serge. I enjoyed that as well, it was nicely stylised and the main man had an ugly sort of charisma that he gained half way through the film, it was Eric Elmosnino, I’d never heard of him before.

I’m sending all your DVD’s Up together tomorrow along with Kitchen. I’ll be getting True Blood this month so I’ll send that next time with more West Wing, I think there’s only one series of that left. I’m going to have to have a look through my collection for other things you might like. Oh that was the other one I wanted to ask you about, do you fancy watching I Love You Phillip Morris, I really loved that. I went to see it three times at the cinema. I’ve got it on DVD if you fancy it.